True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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