around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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