i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
