I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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