Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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