Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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