Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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