No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
