ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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