hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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