Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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