I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
