we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am naked and annoyed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize