Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize