it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
