So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
