So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
