Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
