did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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