there's paper in my vomit.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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