I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
