I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
50% drunk capacity currently
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
