We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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