Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
