my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
