Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
