I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
