i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
