You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
