god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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