I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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