She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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