The maid of honor just puked.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A+ Viking dick
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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