thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize