dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm like, not good at living.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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