So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
