Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your penis caused this!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
