Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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