Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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