The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
