i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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