I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize