I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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