A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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