i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
