the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
