I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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