Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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