saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
