my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
