Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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