drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize