yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
