nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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