that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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