Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
