Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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