saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize