checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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