I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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