Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
