If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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