Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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