I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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